Instagram Feed Instagram Feed Instagram Feed Instagram Feed Instagram Feed Instagram Feed Instagram Feed Instagram Feed

An Endless Desolation

by Lorenza Figueroa

illustration by Nenetl Mojarro

Published Winter 2017

“Why do you cause so much pain? Why have you been stalking us for over 20 years? Why do you consume my father, taking every minute of his breath? Why are you slowly taking him away from me? Why do you intoxicate our life with the poison of anger, madness, sadness and despair?”

As I lay here, I can taste the memories of an endless expedition. An agony that I’ve learned to silence as each year of my life passes, a mask that numbs every inch of my sorrows.

As I turn to my right, I can see the reflection of my mother. I memorized her internal hurt. Her eyes covered in disappointment, suffering, and a silent cry for help. Her frown carved permanently after so many years of disillusion. Her fragile body no longer resisting a pointless battle. Her harmless soul screaming, “I’m tired! Stop.. Please….”

As I turn to the left, I can no longer recognize that man who sits under that tree, surrounded by empty cans of infatuation, of addiction. Who is this man with forgetful eyes and an unpleasant odor of intoxication? I do not recognize him for he is not the one I’ve learned to admire. He is not the one who showed me strength and resiliency. Who is he? For he does not remember me when I speak to him, “Look who you’ve become! It hurts…” Wishin he’d come back, I watch him disappear like a mist disappearing between the fingers of my hand.

As rivers flow rapidly over the humps of my cheeks, I ask again,”Why do you cause so much pain? Why have you been stalking us for over 20 years? Why do you consume my father, taking every minute of his breath, why are you slowly taking him away from me? Why do you intoxicate our life with the poison of anger, madness, sadness and despair?”